It is so common for us women to over-give parts of ourselves in an attempt to express to the other person that we are enough, or worthy of being loved and understood. Unfortunately, this causes us to suppress our own internal needs and wants.
Go through the confidence killers below and see which ones you relate to. Use these to gain insight as to the strategies you can implement in your life so that you can build unbreakable confidence!
Confidence Killer #1: Over-Explaining
Over-explaining looks like justifying all your choices because you are afraid of being judged and/or don't want to make the other person feel bad. It looks like instead of texting someone "no", you need to give them an elaborate explanation as to why you can't show up. It looks like saying sorry 100x because you feel so bad that you let someone else down. Does any of this sound familiar?
As a result of wanting to feel worthy and accepted, we over-explain why we do what we do to everyone around us. The truth is that, you don't need to explain your choices and decisions to anyone around you. The only thing that matters is that you feel good about them.
Confidence Killer #2 - Not Speaking Up
Do you end up sacrificing too much for your friends, family? How about that lady that walks into your coffee shop at the same time as you every morning. Or maybe someone pushes your buttons, steps over you, and you decide to stay quiet and take the high road every single time because you want to avoid conflict? Then you wonder, why does no one respect me? Why am I so easily taken advantage of?
If you find yourself feeling this way, where you are unable to speak up out of fear that people might not like you. Or, because you don’t want to be perceived as difficult, then you’re telling yourself that your needs and wants are not valuable. When you ignore your needs, in the pursuit of pleasing, you won’t respect and fight for yourself when the time comes. Sacrifice is admirable, but once it crosses a line of disrespect, you are hurting yourself more than you know.
Confidence Killer #3: Saying Yes to Everyone & Everything
You are so concerned with not hurting anyone’s feelings, or maybe you desperately want everyone to like you. Well guess what, the more you give yourself to others, the less of you'll have to actually give to yourself.
You’ll feel empty, alone—like no one out there understands or prioritizes your feelings the way you do for others. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to say yes sometimes, even if you really don't want to do something. However, if you are constantly only going places that your best friend wants, while you want something totally else, it’s not fair to you. Resentment against her and, more importantly, yourself will inevitably grow. Say yes to things that speak to you, not hurt you.
I just want to remind you that we all fall into these harmful behaviours every once in a while. Especially if you’re a chronic people pleaser.
There are even people that have convinced themselves that a part of being a good person is adhering to these three confidence killers, and while it certainly does make people like you more, you definitely will not like yourself more. You’ll feel drained, and unable to function efficiently. Your worth will be based on how useful you are to others.
However, speaking up for yourself and making decisions that are kind to your needs and wants will allow you to grow confident and also teach you to communicate with others how you feel.